Crest
| 2001-06-28 08:54
910 | Goodbye to a 'friend'
I found this page by accident and I read through quite a few of the texts. I think it's a good place to put my text.
My German is enough to read here but I don't want to embarrass myself by writing clumsy German so I put this down in my own language. If one understands this then it's fine with me, if not, well, tough cookie...
I thought you were a friend.
You used to say that you don't let people down.
I did even love you.
Now I know that I was wrong.
The past has proven you wrong.
Not anymore.
A long time ago, far away, in a different life I saw most of these things coming. I knew you better than you might imagine. I knew that even a small distance will break any relationship with you, the past had already shown that to me. When I had to make a decision I did hope that I might be able to work around the distance by going somewhere you allways liked to be.
This hope was proven wrong.
I spent a lot of time and money to stay in contact with you, you liked it. But my efforts were useless. During all the time you only contacted me to hit me, to embarrass me in front of others and worse, in front of myself. But I took these hits and I probably still loved you then, saw you as a friend. I still can hear you say that you don't let people down, that you don't drop them.
The only thing I can do about this is laughing into your face. If you want to lie to yourself just go on, maybe you still believe that sentence yourself.
I known that time has proven you wrong and if you'd be honest to yourself then you'd see that as well.
You meant so much to me and you were an important person for me. I gave you so many opportunities and opened lots of doors for you. Unneccessary to say that this too cost me lots. Did you take any of these opportunities, did you honor them in any kind? No, you hid away and played the wimp. I tolerated that and hoped that you might use the open doors later. Again, wrong assumption, eventually proven wrong.
Despite all that I still somehow liked you, maybe even somehow loved(?) you. I doubt the latter very much.
But one sentence from you made me see, it cleared my eyes and my feelings. It made me see that since I had to leave you dropped me, you did not only let me down but forced me down. I do not mean anything to you.
Did that hurt? Not any more as it brought me back to the one who I really am, to the steel underneath the soft shell. You never saw my real core, you just knew the friend who did everything for you. One piece of advice: better don't try to hit that core, you might hurt yourself.
I considered you as my best friend, you were the one I left nearer than anyone else. But you hurt me so deep as only you were able to do. I will not allow you to do that ever again.
I might have lost a 'friend' but I found someone even more important, MYSELF. You lost someone! Do you think you'll ever be able to find this person again?
The line had to be drawn, it has been drawn now and I will not cross it anymore.
Goodbye my 'friend'.
Crest. |
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e.V.
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